Affective dependence and attachment (2)
by yoga teacher Gregorian Bivolaru
Read the firrst part of this article here:
Affective dependence and attachment (1)
Don’t let frustrations, sufferings, egotisms replace the love between you
This way, a gradual degrading of the relationship based on love takes place and a reciprocal induction occurs to either one of the lovers or to them both, induction unleashed by each of them in the other and this way, they get to torment themselves or, in other situations, only one of them begins to suffer and then he/she has the tendency to torment and change the other in his/ her face and similitude, phenomenon which happens due to this regress in this relationship where love is replaced by something else than what was at the beginnings. That is why it is necessary to have a maximum of lucidity and, being very attentive and sensing the great difference between the states from the beginning of the love-relationship and the states we live when the so-called love was replaced by something different and in its place sexual possessiveness, obsessive attachment or the so-called emotional dependence installed, it is also necessary to sound the alarm and to do as quickly as possible something not to accept the degrading of that relationship, which will attract undoubtedly tensions, torments and accumulation of sufferings, frustrations and other reactions that the replacement generates inside the universe both of one or the other, making the two lovers observe that their relationship became a unbearable agony, in which they still go on hoping that what was a long time ago will appear again, although they, one or both of them, are making the same mistakes they did at a given moment, thus changing the predominance of their relationship in a relationship which is not based on love and in which passional, sexual exchanges, attachment, jealousy, tyrannical wish to possess one another predominate. That is why we have to realize that in such situations, the two lovers can begin a relationship based on love and transfiguration very nicely and well and then, as they fail certain tests which occur in their relationship, they may awaken, either one of them or both, that they deviated off the sublime ideal and off the paradisiacal divine states that the reciprocal exchanges of love induced within them at the beginning of their relationship. All there were replaced with a caricature in which sexual passion, jealousy, possessiveness, stubborn involvement and selfishness generate dominant, ill-fated, predominant resonances which torment and often enslave them in a toxic, painful, obsessive relationship in which due to their habit they indulge in even for years, till one of them decides to put an end to this torment and, losing his/her foolish hopes, decides to stop and get out of this relationship, in which love disappeared long ago or instead of being in a proportion of 90% or even 99%, it is only in a proportion of 1%, the rest of it being replaced by passional, low energies of jealousy, sick possessiveness, of obsessive involvement etc.
In a so-called love relationship the dominant appears and is maintained at the level of the inferior center of forces
It is no wonder that in such situations, certain human beings confuse foolishly such inferior, obsessive conduct, dominated by exaggerated passion, atrocious selfishness and the tendency of enslaving and controlling the other, considering them a proof of love. Beyond appearances, in such case it is obvious that love disappeared for long time or it is present in a tiny percent, so that the two lovers only mimic what was at the beginning of their pure, ideal relationship based on love, when they lived the so-called magical, divine moment of the beginning. In case we look at this behaviour with attention, lucidity, intelligence and common sense, we can realize easily that only the absence of the energy of love can produce the appearance of preponderantly passional exchanges, which show the growth of their ego, the awakening and amplification of jealousy, of possessiveness, instead of the sublime, pure, paradisiacal states which existed between the two lovers at the beginning when they loved each other sincerely and they were full of transfiguration and instead this sublime exchanges that the energy of love unleashes. This makes the ignorant imagine that this is a relationship based on love, although, in reality love is almost gone and in other cases it completely died, being replaced with a common relationship, preponderantly sexual, passional, inferior, selfish, which produces either to both or to one of them strange reactions of possessiveness, jealousy and other tensed, tormenting states.
Therefore, it is essential to consider that such strange, inferior states, preponderantly passional, in which the energy of love disappeared almost completely must not be taken for an ideal, pure, sublime relationship based on love in which predominate the exchanges of the energy of love between the two lovers like at the beginning of their relationship. Such regresses are easily detected if we look attentively at the reactions that appear inside of us and we observe that the affectionate state that our lover awakens inside of us and the affectionate state that is unleashed in our universe are almost minimum or absent, all these being obviously replaced with a stunning flux of passional, low, inferior energies and which are not sublimated in order to unleash inside the universe of the two lovers the re-awakening and re-energization of the affectionate states which were natural at the beginning of their relationship, when the energies of love were predominant and flowed ceaselessly between them two. It is essential to keep in mind that whenever in a so-called love-relationship we notice that the dominance appears and maintains especially at the level of the inferior centers of force such as MANIPURA CHAKRA or only SWADISTANA CHAKRA, or only MULADHARA, and the affectionate states which are correlated to the energization and the intense activity of the force center ANAHATA CHAKRA are obviously diminished or even absent, this must raise questions within our being and we must sound the alarm, adverting the other if all these have been determined by him/her and if they have been unleashed by us, we must do the necessary things. Especially in such circumstances, it is necessary for both lovers to take a break, trying to correct as quickly as possible the obvious regress which appeared in their relationship, in order to replace through intense personal efforts the predominance of the passional inferior states in which love diminished or it even died, trying to go back to the magical state of the beginning when these energies of love were predominant and manifested harmoniously and reciprocally in the wonderful beginning of the relationship. Doing like this, we can offer a new chance to the relationship, bringing it back on its previous path from the beginnings, and in case we notice that these efforts are in vain or when we observe that this aspiration of recovering is not accompanied by a strong and persevering aspiration of both the lovers in unison, it is necessary for the ex lovers who reached this stage of obvious regress of their relationship to take a notable break of many months, observing after that if their relationship can or cannot continue without the errors, mistakes and regresses that appeared. So far as we notice that one of the lovers or the other keeps on the old evil habits, it is better that such a relationship which is not based on love and in which only sexual passion, possessiveness and selfishness predominate, should stop and we must keep into our view the force idea that instead of tormenting ourselves ceaselessly, it is thousand of times better a sudden end, even if that end could appear horrid or tormenting, than to go on in such a degrading relationship in which suffering, agony and ordeal would go on endlessly. Especially when we reach in such situations, it is important for us to realize with lucidity and detachment that if in such a relationship, love doesn’t exist anymore, then there is something else, and that is why we can say that if there is no more love in that relationship, then there is actually nothing beneficial and profoundly transforming for each of the two lovers. Such a relationship must stop as soon as possible as it is something else than a love-relationship, as some ignorants imagine it is, even when love disappeared and it is replaced by something else, in which love is insignificant or even null. In case we won’t consider with great lucidity and wisdom what is going on, we will notice that the state of emotional dependence, the attachment, jealousy, tensions and the problems which will appear shortly after in that couple will increase and they will even accelerate.
Common sense dictates us if something is wrong in our couple relationship
Moreover, such a relationship could be bitter and later, when at a given moment, getting to the conclusion that we must put an end to such strange, toxic relationship, we will regret the time wasted away and the regress that appeared meanwhile, indulging in such a relationship in which love became almost null or it even died. In such situations, when one of the two lovers or sometimes even both of them, due to the toxic, cold and reciprocal induction, behave as some human beings which are dependent of one another, or sometimes, they manifest such a dependence only one for the other, dependence which has something obsessive, tormenting or ill. All these prove that the state of lucidity, intelligence and common sense still exists within us, that in this relationship something is wrong and, more than that, there is a sick passion, an exaggerated attachment and all these show the appearance of insidious, tormenting chains which bind one another foolishly, without contributing to our inner growth or spiritual transformation. Such a relationship is plain, lasts endlessly on the horizontal, does not have peaks, but only abysses which thicken and instead of a flow of love which is visible about other couples who love each other harmoniously, here is just a low state, preponderantly tamasic or sometimes rajasic in which the tyrannical habit and obsessive possessiveness make the two lovers, or at least one of them, be dependent, so that they will be capable of dying, but they would not stop such a tormenting, toxic relationship, from subtle point of view, which makes them regress and slip in an abyss which generates mysterious processes of poisonous resonance which open their gate to a terrifying communion with the hellish realms that exist in the astral universe. Especially in such situations, it is imperious for them to separate for a long period of time and this implies in their case to cease seeing each other physically, to stop communication, nurturing this sick habit which appeared and it is already obvious about their relationship which is not based on reciprocal love and transfiguration. In such situation, it is no wonder that such human beings begin to hate each other and manifest more often aggressive tendencies or they tend to destroy the human being which paradoxically they pretend to love intensely. In case of such couples, there appear other pants in which one or the other have the tendency to end the relationship and then, after a pretty short period of time, they make up and hope foolishly that their relationship would go on the path that existed at the beginning, although the transformations after such a break-up do not last for more than one or two days, because the power of the inferior, tyrannical habit manifests due to the fact it became a second nature, and thus they break up and make up again and again, the inferior passional predominance remaining among them, like a red thread, even if they keep on nurturing the illusion or the vain hope that the signs of a transformation began to show up and this allows them to reintegrate in the magical moment of the beginning. Although, we cannot expel the fact that there could be exceptions, but they are very rare. When they slip in such a state and, if after such three separations, sure and obvious signs of fundamental transformation do not appear, then we advise you that the fourth break-up should=- be the last one. In such circumstances, when the two lovers replaced the state of reciprocal love with a state of sexual possessiveness based on selfishness, they break up from time to time for certain short periods of time and then they make up again and again, to the irony and amusement of their friends and of those close to them. In such cases, these degrading relationships can end suddenly when one of the two lovers begins another relationship based on love and discovers the magical universe of the beginning of a harmonious, creating, constructive, sublime relationship in which the energy of love predominates. So, they can say easily farewell to such a strange relation in which they have indulged for years.
By discovering God in ourselves and in our lover the love relationship becomes spiritualized
In such a relationship, the frustrations, tensions, traumas or the psychic wounds, they provoke one to another and which accentuates as time passes by, conjure out to one or to the both so-called lovers a terrible torment, which goes on by indulging in that state of dependence. In such situations, in the case of one of the two lovers who begins another relationship based on reciprocal love, the suffering following the break-up is diminished and the chance of a new beginning will appear in which that human being will have to watch out so that the terrible mistakes he/she did and kept on in the previous relationship, off which he/she went out hardly, would not appear or repeat themselves. We must keep in mind that in such toxic relationships one of the predominant fears of those who sink into the state of emotional dependence is loneliness, as in their case it is obvious that such human beings have not discover yet GOD, because if they did this, they couldn’t have indulged in such a toxic relationship for years, tormenting and bearing a relation based on sexual, low and exaggerated passion. In the case of such couples which regressed and indulged in a relationship based on outrageous passion, if each of them or at least one would realize that the relation regressed and that both or at least one indulged in a relationship in which real love is almost null, the awareness of this situation should end this relationship immediately. If they have the necessary lucidity and detachment, then they would realize instantly that since in such a strange relationship they both stopped being happy and went on tormenting themselves, due to the passional and sexual exchanges which predominated between them, they should consider this and as the real happiness of love disappeared, this should put an end to such a relationship, in which love ceased being predominant. In the case of the human beings who indulge for a short period of time in such relationships and then, as they go on their spiritual evolution, they succeed in making important steps and they realize the abnormal situation they indulge in, they get to detach and put an end immediately to such a relationship due to the profound spiritual transformations which takes place in a parallel way.
Read the third part of this article here:
Affective dependence and attachment (3)
From the Spiritual Booklet of the International Yoga Symposium Costineşti 2009
Also available in: Română