The first steps in forming the spiritual couple

This article presents you practical advices about how to approach your couple relationship in order for it to grow harmoniously and blossom, bringing you and your lover to ecstatic states of soul communion.

An important element for a good start of a spiritual couple relationship is the principle of continuous evolution within the couple relationship. In Tantra it is said that the lovers should always stay in the state of the beginning. It is said: “If one wants to beat time, one must always stay in the state of the beginning”. In a couple relationship this is very important. Very many people wonder how to stay in the state of the beginning, because time passes. But Tantra also offers the solution: We open ourselves towards continuous transformation.
When we are completely open to transformation, we are constantly in the state of beginning. When we stop or when we tend to avoid this continuous flow of transformation, we automatically fall from the state of the beginning, in other words the wave, the flow takes us away. Therefore, when we want our relationship to stay fresh, in the state of the beginning, we must prepare – and this is an individual responsibility of the each one of the two lovers – for transformation. We must be ready in every moment to transform. Because the relationship itself changes, it transforms.
If we look at our relationship as if it is a child, we understand that one cannot take a child and tell him: “Come on, now we are busy, we do not have time for you. Stop growing, we carry on with our lives and we come back in two years, to see if you are still growing.” This cannot be. Once he is born, the child grows, he develops, he has his needs, we cannot tell him: “You know what, we are in holiday for the next two weeks, so stop eating.” A couple relationship needs love. We cannot say: “That’s it, now we stop, because I have other priorities in life, I have a carrier, I have other things to do.” This does not exist, the relationship dies.
Therefore, in the moment we aim to maintain this freshness of the love between us, we must always be ready to transform. It is the openness towards transformation, which we must have from the very beginning. If we at least consider this, we will easily notice that as soon as we get stuck or we try to oppose resistance to the transformation, the relationship starts to fade, the intensity diminishes, it becomes complicated, the extraordinary simplicity from the beginning, where everything was natural, simple, flowing, is lost. If in those moments we remember these words, we can immediately open ourselves to the process of transformation and the problem is solved. The following aspect is very interesting. If it is harmoniously integrated and we maintain ourselves in the state of the beginning through the openness towards transformation itself, a couple relationship takes us towards evolution. In other words, the relationship spiritualizes us, it evolves. Therefore, our job is to open to this spontaneity of transformation in a love relationship and the rest comes from God through that love. When we evolve within the couple, it is very important that the responsibility of the spiritual evolution is shared by the two lovers. Remember, the relationship is the little child. The responsibility for transformation is for the two lovers. Because if there is a stagnation, this takes place in one of us or in both lovers. We cannot say: “Look, the relationship is stagnating. We have such strong aspiration and transfiguration, but our relationship has deadened”. Such a thing does not exist. It is the other way around. Either one of them gets stuck or both of them do and then, automatically, the relationship reflects this. In a couple relationship, the relationship is a mirror, but the responsibility for what the mirror reflects belongs to us. It is as if the two lovers go in front of the mirror and say: “This mirror is stupid. Look what ugliness it reflects.” It reflects what is in front of it.

Here are a few exercises for you to practice:

Practical exercise – because these states of confusion do not manifest in the same time or when facing the same realities, aim to create this beneficial habit within your couple: stop, every now and then, from the wave of actions and events that you do together and realize that you love each other because you love each other and because there is this state of amazing grace and manifestation of the divine love and for no other reason  in this world.

Another exercise – when you notice that certain elements start to sneak in and burden the fragile shoulders of the love relationship, just remove those elements, because nobody dies without them, but without love we will definitely die. For example, if you notice you have a materialistic tendency and you feel happy and fulfilled also when you are ok materialistically, when you are on holiday, where you have all you need. If you see that this tends to mix with love, keep them separate. Simply, just do not go in that holiday like this. Or, if you have the tendency to make associations between love and habits, restrain yourself from those habits, for a while, until you notice that they do not influence the state of love.

Exercise for visualizing the relationship – see the relationship as our child, as if the relationship is a new born child, born in the moment we started the couple relationship and which grows gradually. When this child grows, he needs our care and attention, he needs to be nourished, but the child is different then the parents. We tend to see the relationship as being the other one, but the relationship is somewhere in between, it is something different from me or her, it is a glorious synthesis of our souls. That is why we cannot say that it is identical with me or with her, it is the sum of us. We have to be very careful and in time we have to learn to make the distinction between the relationship and the other one. Because, if we do not realize this, we tend to ignore many of the actions that a relationship needs.

It is as if the child is crying and the mother goes and feeds the father. But the child keeps crying, because he is hungry. Then, the father also feeds the mother and then they wonder: “Hey! Somebody is still crying here. Haven’t you had enough?” But it is the child that screams. This means that sometimes the relationship itself needs certain actions from us together. We both have to do something, it cannot be only one or the other. In the same way a growing child needs two parents and each parent has its role in raising the child that is why we must bring our specific contribution to that relationship. This is why it is said that the two lovers are not lovers by loving one another; they love together the same things, this is how their souls unite. And loving higher and higher things, they love God and in this way they are united together into God. Metaphorically speaking, the position of the two lovers is not to look into each other’s eyes, but to look together in the same direction.
To underline this idea, one day a great wise man was asked what is the secret of happiness within the couple and what makes love last for the entire life? His answer was: “Love together the same things.”

And the message from our spiritual guide is “Love God together.”

Taken from “The spiritual couple relationship”, conference kept by Mihai and Adina Stoian in 2006, in Costinesti –


Published by  


May 2011


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