Love Language Number 2: The Time granted
Introduction into Love languages
There are people who feel loved only when they are granted time, whereby time granted we understand giving full attention to someone. Spending time with someone on the couch watching television, for example, does not mean you grant him/her your time, because then, what captures the attention of both of you is the television program and not the lover by your side. To grant real time to your beloved means giving him/her total attention, talking to him/her and listening with full attention to what he/she wants to communicate.
The beings who have the time granted as the basic love language will not feel loved unless you give them time to be together just the two of you, to talk and to share with each other different things about your inner and outer life.
Two people who are close to each other are not necessarily together. Some people believe that they live together, when in reality they only live next to each other. Some live in the same house, but they are not really together. A man who watches a football game on television while talking to his girlfriend does not grant her time as appropriate, because he does not focus exclusively on her.
Time spent together does not mean that we should stare at each other’s eyes, but to do something together and to give each other our full attention. Emotionally speaking, regardless of what we do together; it is important to focus our attention on each other. The activity that we do together is only a means that creates the feeling of being together. What really matters is what happens at the emotional level. The fact that we spend time together, having the common desire to communicate our love, and that we like to be together and do things together, is essential for the people whose love language is the time granted. If you do not show your love towards these beings in this way, they will not feel deeply loved; their need for love will not be fulfilled, regardless of any other love language you may show.
So the main aspect regarding the time granted is that the time is really spent together. And it is not enough to just stand next to the other person … Together means that nothing else will disturb us, means to fully participate with our body, mind and soul at the time we spend with the one we love.
The Real Conversation
Just as it is with the words of encouragement, the time granted language has several dialects. One of the most important dialects is the one of real conversation. By real conversation we mean a dialogue full of understanding, in which the two lovers share their experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a balanced environment, full of love, friendship, harmony. Most of the people who complain that their lover does not speak to them do not mean that he/she doesn’t say a word, but they mean that they rarely participate in an open dialogue. If the main love language of your lover is the time granted and the dialect is the real conversation, such a discussion is essential for them to have the fulfilling feeling that they are loved.
Real conversation is a quite different love language compared to the first language of love. Words of encouragement focus on what we say, while real conversation focuses on what we hear. If we share our love through the time granted and we spend more time talking, that means that we will focus to listen and understand what our lover says. We will ask questions, but not randomly, but with a real desire to understand what our beloved one thinks, feels and wants.
Many people are trained to analyze problems and to find solutions. But we must not forget that our couple is a relationship and not a project which needs to be completed or a problem to be solved. When our lover has something on her mind and she feels the need to discuss about it or she just wants to share her experiences, feelings and thoughts, if we carefully listen to her, in a state of openness and transfiguration, we can thus know her soul better; we can enter her inner universe, thus enriching our own being. So together we can achieve profound states of spiritual intimacy, which are always fulfilling and full of flavor and result in a mature couple relationship.
Practical tips to have a real conversation with our beloved:
1. Keep eye contact with your lover when she/he is speaking to you.
This will prevent your mind from flowing somewhere else and you will show your lover that you give her/him your full attention. In addition, they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If you look into your lover’s eyes you can easily empathize with her/him, thus feeling her/his soul easier.
2. While listening, do not do anything else.
Remember! The time granted means your full attention. If you are in a situation where you can not give to your lover the time she/he needs in that very moment, better than superficially listening to her/him, ask her/him to wait a few minutes, until you finish your job, so you are able to give her/him your whole attention. Most of them will comply with such a request.
3. Listen to her/his feelings.Ask yourself: What is the emotional state of my lover? When you feel that you have found the answer, wait for this to be confirmed. For example: “I think that you are disappointed that I forgot …” In this way you will give her/him the opportunity to clarify their feelings and indirectly communicate that you carefully listen to what she/he says.
4. Observe the body language.The clenched fists, the tears, the raised eyebrows and the eye movement can give you clues about how the other feels. Sometimes the body language sends a message, while the words transmit something different. Ask for clarifications in order to be sure that you know exactly what your lover thinks or feels.
5. Reject the interruptions.Recent studies have shown that on average a man cannot focus for more than seventeen seconds, then he breaks off the conversation or says an interjection. If we give our full attention to our lover when she/he speaks, we will refrain from defending ourselves, or blaming her/him, or displaying our position. Our goal is to discover the thoughts and feelings of our lover and not to defend ourselves or to bring her/him on the right track, but to truly understand her/him.
Real conversation means not only to listen, but to share our feelings. For example, if your lover’s love language is the time granted and the dialect is the real conversation, your lover’s tank will never be full until you share with her/him your thoughts and feelings. If you want to learn the language of real conversation, you must learn to become aware of your emotions. For this you just have to pay attention to your emotions throughout the day. Many adults have formed themselves in families in which the expression of thoughts and feelings not only was not encouraged, but it was even condemned. By repressing their emotions for a long time, they started in time not to be aware any more of their emotional experiences. This problem can be easily solved if you pay attention to your emotions and feelings throughout the day, you retain them and then you share them with your lover. If you do this for a few weeks in a row, you will see that you will find it much easier to communicate your feelings and experiences to your lover.
Besides time granted and real conversation, there’s another dialect: joint activities. Joint activities may consist of anything that could be of interest for one of you. The emphasis is on the word together, on doing things together and paying exclusive attention. The emphasis falls not on what we do, but on the motivation of what we do. The goal is to experience something beautiful with our lover, thinking that she/he was willing to do something that we like. This means love. For those whose love language is time granted and the dialect is joint activities, this is exactly the clearest expression of love. Joint activities means:
1. at least one of the two wants to do that thing
2. the other one is willing to do that thing
3. both know why they are doing that work – to express their love by being together.
We can ask ourselves how to find time for all of this. Just as we find time to eat.
Why? Because this is something that is equally important to our love relationship, as the food is to our health.
Must everything be carefully planned? Yes.
Does this mean that we must give up some personal business? Possibly.
Does this mean that we should do things that we do not particularly like? Definitely. Is it worth it? Undoubtedly.
And what is in it for me? The pleasure to live with your lover who feels loved and she/he knows that you have learned to express yourself fluently in her/his love language.
Love Language Number 1: Words of encouragementLove Language Number 3: Receiving gifts