Affective dependence and attachment (3)
by yoga professor Gregorian Bivolaru
Read here the first and the second part of this article:
In the following, we offer you an orienting test which helps you becoming aware of the degree of emotional dependence or, in other way, of the degree of the attachment you indulge in. This test has 25 questions and, as you answer sincerely and spontaneously to each question, it will help you check if you belong to that class of human beings who are already dependant emotionally. You should answer to each question sincerely and spontaneously, answering yes or not. For this, you will use a white sheet of paper and, in the end, you group the 2 types of answers on 2 separate columns or, in other words, you can copy and cut with scissors all the questions to which you answered ‘no’.
After you answered sincerely, spontaneously and lucidly to each of these questions, you have to count the answers ‘yes’ to some questions and then you count finally the results, considering only the answers to which you answered ‘yes’ firmly. You must not answer to certain questions ambiguously but you must give clear and precise statements which will be each time only ‘yes’ or ‘no’
The test which proves if we are in a state of emotional dependence and of attacment in our amorous relationship or relationships
1. Have you often felt that it is very difficult or even impossible for you to put an end to or to come out of a relationship which is obviously tormenting, tensed and lacks happiness?
2. When you came out of such a relationship, predominantly tensed and tormenting did you try immediately afterwards to begin a new love relationship even if the new relationship was similar to the one you just stopped?
3. Do you always feel the need and even the strong desire for someone to be in your life only for feeling loved or adored, without you to love (in the same profound and overwhelming way in which the other loves you, compensating your ardent need for being given love)?
4.Have you ever felt intense, even absorbing states of jealousy which grew till obsession in one of your love relationships?
5. Did you left a lover for another one, even for once in this existence, suddenly, chaotically and irrationally without caring about the sufferings you induced to the human being of the opposite sex you were in a relationship with?
6. Did you act even once in order to stop your lover having other relationships based on reciprocal love, although you had one or more amorous relationships in parallel, trying to convince your lover that it is only you that has the right and liberty of having many relationships?
7. After you discovered this spiritual path, have you accepted to have even for once, sexual relationships, either with a human being who did not love you or you didn’t love him/her?
8. Do you often have states that make you think it is hard or very hard for you to be alone and no person of the opposite sex to love you?
9. Do you have the tendency of manipulating or controlling selfishly and tyrannically your lover you are in a relationship with?
10. Do you have the spontaneous tendency of neglecting or even forgetting your friends or the other lover, who you still pretend you have a relationship with, after you began a new love relationship?
11. Have you ever had the tendency of consuming more or less food or alcohol or even certain drugs after a so-called heart-breaking?
12. If you judge yourself attentively and lucidly, do you get to the conclusion you are a human being who falls in love quickly and who ends instantly a relationship, even if this is based on reciprocal love, pretending that you do not feel love anymore after few amorous interactions?
13. Have you though even for once to kill yourself after a heart-breaking in one of your relationships?
14. Did you let yourself controlled and manipulated by the intense states of jealousy your lover felt when you had a love relationship?
15. Did you continue or do you still continue a so-called love relationship out of habit or inertia and not because that relationship is based on reciprocal love?
16. Have you been afraid or do you still are of the enchaining states of attachment or in the event of being suddenly abandoned by a human being of the opposite sex who you love or loves you?
17. Have you ever fell in love suddenly at first sight and then after 2-5 days, that state of falling in love disappeared all of a sudden after you had a first intimate, sexual experience with that human being?
18. Do you have the spontaneous tendency of running away like a coward and quickly out of the burdens of life?
19. Do you often feel the need of acting so that you would be liked by everyone, tending to flirt with many of them, stirring them sexually, without ever feeling the need to love and to show affection, sending love to those for who you feel love when they come to you with love?
20. Do you often feel excessively responsible for the others, forgetting almost completely about yourself?
21. Do you feel guilty whenever you are given the attention, kindness or love you deserve?
22. Do you often feel intense and irrational fear of being abandoned by your lover?
23. Have you ever lost even for few days or for a longer period of time the ability of feeling, of expressing your affective emotions or of loving after a heart-breaking?
24. Have you ever said “I love you” only to be answered the same or for deriving benefit from the other’s love for you, behaving like a sui genesis leech onto the intense love of the human being who loves you?
25. Generally speaking, are you afraid to love and are you tempted to often consider escaping as the greatest victory in love?
In case you answered spontaneously and sincerely to all these questions, it is necessary for you to consider that if you answered ‘yes’ to 3 or more than 3 questions, this proves that you are emotional dependent for sure.
If you answered ‘yes’ to 5 or more questions, this shows that you surely are emotionally dependent and this state is already chronic.
If you answered ‘yes’ to 10 or even more questions, the great number of answers prove that you had and still have affective deficiency which finds its expression within your inner universe in a state of interior emptiness.
It is very useful to read this text periodically and to reflect upon its questions, becoming conscious of the fact that the more or less intense state of emotional dependence proves to be one of the diseases of which many human beings are suffering, even though they do not realize that yet.
Reading these aspects which have been revealed here carefully, it is necessary for you to act without delay, becoming aware that there is a solution full of wisdom which, in case it will be applied, can make blossom and grow inside of you the divine hope that all these serious problems and emotional disturbances can be avoided. Each of you, who is aware of having such a state, must realize as soon as possible that it is necessary to learn to love. We ask you to never lose out of sight that when true love becomes profound, intense and measureless, then even the impossible becomes easily possible.
We also ask you to realize, as soon as possible, that, even if you have not discovered this yet, the intense, overwhelming energy of profound love is and remains each time its own reward only as long as it lasts. Due to the fact that the energy of love is endless, it awaits only to be attracted within our inner universe out of the endless sphere of the energy of love which exists in the Macrocosm. Therewith, it is essential for us to realize that the energy of love reveals GOD, so that wherever love exists, there is also present GOD, and where GOD manifests and embraces us endlessly, there is also present the mysterious energy of the endless love. Even though we do not realize this, we swim, each second, like tiny fish in the huge ocean of the energy of love that waits for us to open and become channels in and through which this energy of love manifests, both in our inner universe and outside. It is essential to realize that whenever we refuse the energy of love, for no matter what absurd reasons, and we close our heart obstinately, we also refuse the flowing and manifestation of the mysterious presence of GOD THE FATHER in our inner universe; and that is why the sages said that when you do not love, you live for nothing.
In the millenary tantric tradition it is said, not by accident, that the greatest happiness of the tantric man is to make his lover happy. Also, it can be said that the greatest happiness of the tantric woman is to make her lover happy. It is essential to keep in mind that all these states of happiness appear as soon as we offer to our beloved an intense and profound love, which we offer without measure. When we love intensely and without measure, in our being appears and establishes each time the overwhelming and extraordinary state of adoration. Remember that the little flower of the paradise which is stripped doesn’t die out of cold, irradiating ceaselessly the mysterious divine energies, even when we are told that it is dewless, likewise when the divine energy of love is attracted within our universe in waves, it fills our being, makes us shinning and vanishes for good the inner emptiness. The great sages always said that when we love intensely, profoundly and without measure, this state we feel will unleash then similar reactions from the beings we are in touch with and thus, some of them will feel spontaneously the tendency of loving us intensely, profoundly and without measure. This way, we will notice that whenever we give a lot of love, we receive from certain human beings the love we offered. We will discover that whoever seeds love, gathers love and, so, we will realize that we will gather what we deserve.
From The Spiritual Booklet of The International Yoga Symposium, Costineşti 2009
Also available in: Română